Saturday, December 29, 2007
2007 In Retrospect
It's that time of the year again: time to sit back after all of the holiday stress and look back on the past year. Starting tomorrow, we're going to have to start writing "8" into the date, and if the new year is going to be better than the last, it is important to reflect on these past twelve months and what happened, where we've arrived, and how we've changed. You know, the big abstract stuff. I personally find this to be a very daunting task. Sometimes it seems like 2007 just began yesterday, and other times it feels like I've aged a hundred years since last January 1. In many ways, it's hard to put into words the things I've experienced, the things I've learned (and am still learning), and the person I've become. I'm not sure I know completely myself. Even so, I guess there are a few things to be said.
Firstly, let's look back at how this year began. In my first post of 2007, I ended with a quote, or a quasi-"mission statement" that I felt was an appropriate induction into the new year:
"To believe in God is to believe in the salvation of the world. The paradox of our time is that those who believe in God do not believe in the salvation of the world, and those who believe in the future of the world do not believe in God. Christians believe in "the end of the world," they expect the final catastrophe, the punishment of others. Atheists in their turn... refuse to believe in God because Christians believe in him and take no interest in the world. Which is the more culpable ignorance? ...I often say to myself that, in our religion, God must feel very much alone: for is there anyone besides God who believes in the salvation of the world? God seeks among us sons and daughters who resemble him enough, who love the world enough so that he could send them into the world to save it."
--Louis Everly, In the Christian Spirit, 1975
Unfortunately, the salvation of the world wasn't foremost in my mind for most of the year. In fact, it wasn't even in the back of my mind, or really anywhere for that matter. It kind of got tossed out the window around the beginning of March, when the emphasis suddenly shifted to me and my own survival. I'm a firm believer in the idea that you can't properly help others until you help yourself. Granted, we'll never be perfect, but you can hardly expect a blind man to show others the way. Before I can guide others around the hole in the road I've got to climb out of the hole myself. Most of the year was spent climbing, stumbling, and climbing again. Am I out yet? I'm not sure, but I know I'm at least not at the bottom anymore.
This year has been, without a doubt, the hardest of my life. I recall a conversation I once had in an online forum about faith and Christianity. One participant said that he could never be a Christian or believe in a benevolent God after seeing so much pain and suffering in the world. I never quite understood what he meant until this year.
I mean sure, we all know that life is hard. Problems arise, disaster strikes. But religion has a habit of pushing it aside. We fight it with slogans, because that's easier than facing the harsh realities of life. We say things like, "God is just" and "God didn't want this to happen" and "The Lord works in mysterious ways." We tell ourselves that it's not His fault, it's ours. Suffering is a result of man's sinful nature. Don't blame God, blame Adam. It's an attractive philosophy, and easy to believe when one is separate from the actual suffering. We see bombs exploding on television. We read about children being raped or left to starve in the newspaper. We watch houses get torn apart by hurricanes on the news. We know about the high divorce rate, the neighbor who is struggling to pay his bills, the mother who lost a child. We watch movies about suffering, loss, betrayal. Most of the time we think something like, "How horrible!" But we don't feel the pain. We don't have to wrestle with the loss - that's someone else's burden. So it all gets swept under the label of "suffering" without any sort of direct engagement. It becomes small. Manageable. Just one more result of Adam eating that apple.
When it happens to you, however, things get a lot more complicated. Suddenly, easy answers don't cut it. The reality is much more than can be dealt with in a few cookie-cutter ideas.
This year I learned the hard fact that feel-good theology tries to pretend doesn't exist, because if it exists then this whole "relationship with God" thing gets a lot more complicated. This year I learned that when confronted with real loss, real betrayal and real pain...
...slogans don't mean shit.
Most of the time, they hurt more than they help, because they just serve to acknowledge that the person saying them really doesn't understand what you're going through at all.
God is just? Then why does this seem about as far from just as you could go? Surely mankind's sense of justice isn't that out of whack. God didn't want this to happen? Well, then why didn't He stop it? The Lord works in mysterious ways? Then maybe I should turn to something a bit less mysterious and a bit more clear and relevant. He can take His mysterious ways and shove them where the sun (or Son?) don't shine.
What's amazing is that through it all, God sits there. Even when I'm yelling and screaming and crying, and He's standing far away not saying a word, He never quite lets me out of sight. He lets me yell and complain, because in a strange way, I think that's what He wants. He wants followers who aren't blind and submissive, but those who are passionate enough to question and doubt and stay the course. Even Christ questioned the meaninglessness and irrationality of suffering - "My God, my God, why have you forsake me?" The modern translation: "I'm in pain here, and You're not helping! This sucks!" Sometimes it feels like God needs our forgiveness just as much as we need His (this is a two-way relationship after all), and sometimes He's closest to us not when we cry, "Lord, you are wonderful" but "Lord, you are a son of a bitch." I've always felt it's best to be honest. Plus, there's no point in lying about your feelings to the God that gave you the ability to feel - He knows what you're really thinking. At the very least, anger and resentment is better than indifference.
Here are a few more things I learned this year:
1) You never truly know anyone. People will always manage to surprise you, and not always in a good way. It's amazing how your entire perception of someone can change in a single nanosecond.
2) Before you can move on, you have to forgive people. And before you can do that, you have to forgive yourself. And God. I'm still working on this one.
3) People can use God as a weapon. And being hit in the face with God really hurts, because it forces you to confront deep philosophical questions regarding the nature of God versus the nature of the person who just hit you. So it hurts your brain as well as your soul.
4) There's a perception among Christian circles that in order to be the best Christian possible, you have to sacrifice everything for Christ. This year I learned that this is probably a lie. Yes, Christ should be our first love, but it's not about sacrificing everything, it's about rejoicing in everything. Life is too short, and God too big, for me to box Him in like that. God wants to fulfill us and move through every aspect of our lives, not make us tear our lives apart for Him. A God that would call for that is pretty sadistic and selfish. I'd probably make a better God than that.
5) You can't run away from your problems - at least, most of the time. They'll follow you pretty much everywhere. However, if you get far away enough from the problem, it does make healing slightly easier, methinks. My personal step #1 for starting to move forward: flee the country. It works wonders.
6) Southwestern is still one of the best jobs ever. Every college student should do it for at least one summer. What an amazing, amazing work environment and group of co-workers.
7) I love China. In fact, I'm still experiencing reverse culture-shock. I'd better stop now before I go on a long rant about how the United States is just a superficial society based solely on appearance and materialism. Not to mention the fact that Chinese food rules. And, as most of you already know, I have a thing for Chinese women. Woohoo! On a side note: Dear God, please let China dominate at the Olympics this year.
8) Never make big plans. God (or someone else) will change them, often with no explanation.
I guess that about covers it for reflection. There are tons of more things to be said, but those are the highlights.
However, I'd be a fool to let the year end without acknowledging several people who have been of great help to me, whether mentally, emotionally or spiritually. Without people like you, Lord knows where I'd be right now. Special thanks to:
Mom and Dad - For your endless support and encouragement.
Brenda and Steve - For your encouragement. Not to mention your house.
Sherri - For helping provide some of the few moments when I can turn my brain off and just stop caring about everything.
Terri - For your humor and insight.
Heather Patterson - For listening.
Karen - For making me feel like I'm not alone.
Daniel Boyce - For always having that goofy grin on your face, and helping me get out of bed. It was a good summer. The world needs more people like you.
Mason - For your friendship and twisted sense of humor. God help us all when you actually become a nuclear engineer.
Ryan Ganfield - For saying, "What a bitch." Those three words helped put a lot of things in perspective.
Kelly - For being open and friendly. May your faith continue to grow.
Alice - For your valuable insights into Chinese culture. Also, for helping to (somewhat) restore my faith in women. Silly me, I'd forgotten that not all young women today are selfish, cowardly and manipulative emotional basketcases! A few can actually be intelligent, modest, stable, and overall just decent people.
And now it's time to usher in the new year. I have no quote to end with - besides, as I learned this year, even if I did there's no guarantee I'd pay much attention to it. However, I can say that the film that perhaps best represents 2007 for me is "In The Mood For Love." If I had to name a few songs - a soundtrack of the year, if you will - to summarize the year, they would probably be "It's A Hard Life" by Queen and "Hallelujah" by Rufus Wainwright (though not originally).
2007, though you still have a few hours of life left, I hereby declare you officially over. 2008, please aim to be more like the end of 2007 rather than the first half. God, please take note.
Firstly, let's look back at how this year began. In my first post of 2007, I ended with a quote, or a quasi-"mission statement" that I felt was an appropriate induction into the new year:
"To believe in God is to believe in the salvation of the world. The paradox of our time is that those who believe in God do not believe in the salvation of the world, and those who believe in the future of the world do not believe in God. Christians believe in "the end of the world," they expect the final catastrophe, the punishment of others. Atheists in their turn... refuse to believe in God because Christians believe in him and take no interest in the world. Which is the more culpable ignorance? ...I often say to myself that, in our religion, God must feel very much alone: for is there anyone besides God who believes in the salvation of the world? God seeks among us sons and daughters who resemble him enough, who love the world enough so that he could send them into the world to save it."
--Louis Everly, In the Christian Spirit, 1975
Unfortunately, the salvation of the world wasn't foremost in my mind for most of the year. In fact, it wasn't even in the back of my mind, or really anywhere for that matter. It kind of got tossed out the window around the beginning of March, when the emphasis suddenly shifted to me and my own survival. I'm a firm believer in the idea that you can't properly help others until you help yourself. Granted, we'll never be perfect, but you can hardly expect a blind man to show others the way. Before I can guide others around the hole in the road I've got to climb out of the hole myself. Most of the year was spent climbing, stumbling, and climbing again. Am I out yet? I'm not sure, but I know I'm at least not at the bottom anymore.
This year has been, without a doubt, the hardest of my life. I recall a conversation I once had in an online forum about faith and Christianity. One participant said that he could never be a Christian or believe in a benevolent God after seeing so much pain and suffering in the world. I never quite understood what he meant until this year.
I mean sure, we all know that life is hard. Problems arise, disaster strikes. But religion has a habit of pushing it aside. We fight it with slogans, because that's easier than facing the harsh realities of life. We say things like, "God is just" and "God didn't want this to happen" and "The Lord works in mysterious ways." We tell ourselves that it's not His fault, it's ours. Suffering is a result of man's sinful nature. Don't blame God, blame Adam. It's an attractive philosophy, and easy to believe when one is separate from the actual suffering. We see bombs exploding on television. We read about children being raped or left to starve in the newspaper. We watch houses get torn apart by hurricanes on the news. We know about the high divorce rate, the neighbor who is struggling to pay his bills, the mother who lost a child. We watch movies about suffering, loss, betrayal. Most of the time we think something like, "How horrible!" But we don't feel the pain. We don't have to wrestle with the loss - that's someone else's burden. So it all gets swept under the label of "suffering" without any sort of direct engagement. It becomes small. Manageable. Just one more result of Adam eating that apple.
When it happens to you, however, things get a lot more complicated. Suddenly, easy answers don't cut it. The reality is much more than can be dealt with in a few cookie-cutter ideas.
This year I learned the hard fact that feel-good theology tries to pretend doesn't exist, because if it exists then this whole "relationship with God" thing gets a lot more complicated. This year I learned that when confronted with real loss, real betrayal and real pain...
...slogans don't mean shit.
Most of the time, they hurt more than they help, because they just serve to acknowledge that the person saying them really doesn't understand what you're going through at all.
God is just? Then why does this seem about as far from just as you could go? Surely mankind's sense of justice isn't that out of whack. God didn't want this to happen? Well, then why didn't He stop it? The Lord works in mysterious ways? Then maybe I should turn to something a bit less mysterious and a bit more clear and relevant. He can take His mysterious ways and shove them where the sun (or Son?) don't shine.
What's amazing is that through it all, God sits there. Even when I'm yelling and screaming and crying, and He's standing far away not saying a word, He never quite lets me out of sight. He lets me yell and complain, because in a strange way, I think that's what He wants. He wants followers who aren't blind and submissive, but those who are passionate enough to question and doubt and stay the course. Even Christ questioned the meaninglessness and irrationality of suffering - "My God, my God, why have you forsake me?" The modern translation: "I'm in pain here, and You're not helping! This sucks!" Sometimes it feels like God needs our forgiveness just as much as we need His (this is a two-way relationship after all), and sometimes He's closest to us not when we cry, "Lord, you are wonderful" but "Lord, you are a son of a bitch." I've always felt it's best to be honest. Plus, there's no point in lying about your feelings to the God that gave you the ability to feel - He knows what you're really thinking. At the very least, anger and resentment is better than indifference.
Here are a few more things I learned this year:
1) You never truly know anyone. People will always manage to surprise you, and not always in a good way. It's amazing how your entire perception of someone can change in a single nanosecond.
2) Before you can move on, you have to forgive people. And before you can do that, you have to forgive yourself. And God. I'm still working on this one.
3) People can use God as a weapon. And being hit in the face with God really hurts, because it forces you to confront deep philosophical questions regarding the nature of God versus the nature of the person who just hit you. So it hurts your brain as well as your soul.
4) There's a perception among Christian circles that in order to be the best Christian possible, you have to sacrifice everything for Christ. This year I learned that this is probably a lie. Yes, Christ should be our first love, but it's not about sacrificing everything, it's about rejoicing in everything. Life is too short, and God too big, for me to box Him in like that. God wants to fulfill us and move through every aspect of our lives, not make us tear our lives apart for Him. A God that would call for that is pretty sadistic and selfish. I'd probably make a better God than that.
5) You can't run away from your problems - at least, most of the time. They'll follow you pretty much everywhere. However, if you get far away enough from the problem, it does make healing slightly easier, methinks. My personal step #1 for starting to move forward: flee the country. It works wonders.
6) Southwestern is still one of the best jobs ever. Every college student should do it for at least one summer. What an amazing, amazing work environment and group of co-workers.
7) I love China. In fact, I'm still experiencing reverse culture-shock. I'd better stop now before I go on a long rant about how the United States is just a superficial society based solely on appearance and materialism. Not to mention the fact that Chinese food rules. And, as most of you already know, I have a thing for Chinese women. Woohoo! On a side note: Dear God, please let China dominate at the Olympics this year.
8) Never make big plans. God (or someone else) will change them, often with no explanation.
I guess that about covers it for reflection. There are tons of more things to be said, but those are the highlights.
However, I'd be a fool to let the year end without acknowledging several people who have been of great help to me, whether mentally, emotionally or spiritually. Without people like you, Lord knows where I'd be right now. Special thanks to:
Mom and Dad - For your endless support and encouragement.
Brenda and Steve - For your encouragement. Not to mention your house.
Sherri - For helping provide some of the few moments when I can turn my brain off and just stop caring about everything.
Terri - For your humor and insight.
Heather Patterson - For listening.
Karen - For making me feel like I'm not alone.
Daniel Boyce - For always having that goofy grin on your face, and helping me get out of bed. It was a good summer. The world needs more people like you.
Mason - For your friendship and twisted sense of humor. God help us all when you actually become a nuclear engineer.
Ryan Ganfield - For saying, "What a bitch." Those three words helped put a lot of things in perspective.
Kelly - For being open and friendly. May your faith continue to grow.
Alice - For your valuable insights into Chinese culture. Also, for helping to (somewhat) restore my faith in women. Silly me, I'd forgotten that not all young women today are selfish, cowardly and manipulative emotional basketcases! A few can actually be intelligent, modest, stable, and overall just decent people.
And now it's time to usher in the new year. I have no quote to end with - besides, as I learned this year, even if I did there's no guarantee I'd pay much attention to it. However, I can say that the film that perhaps best represents 2007 for me is "In The Mood For Love." If I had to name a few songs - a soundtrack of the year, if you will - to summarize the year, they would probably be "It's A Hard Life" by Queen and "Hallelujah" by Rufus Wainwright (though not originally).
2007, though you still have a few hours of life left, I hereby declare you officially over. 2008, please aim to be more like the end of 2007 rather than the first half. God, please take note.
# posted by Andrew Johnson : 12/29/2007 01:46:00 AM 
Friday, December 28, 2007
Back in Meiguo (That's "America" For All You Non-Chinese)
I'm back.
Merry Christmas.
Not a lot to say other than that. Or rather, there is, but I'm not in the mood now. Expect a long reflection on the year within the coming days. Also keep a lookout on my film blog for a couple new brief reviews and my votes for the best films of 2007. If you're looking for info on China, then tough, you should have contacted me about the email bloggings.
Merry Christmas.
Not a lot to say other than that. Or rather, there is, but I'm not in the mood now. Expect a long reflection on the year within the coming days. Also keep a lookout on my film blog for a couple new brief reviews and my votes for the best films of 2007. If you're looking for info on China, then tough, you should have contacted me about the email bloggings.
# posted by Andrew Johnson : 12/28/2007 12:16:00 AM
