Ramblings of a Constipated Mind

It's been a while since I updated, I know. But before I say anything else I have to post this link here which will take you to a cool Top 10 List. I just think it's cool because of the winner.

Hm. I had a good birthday. After driving class, I came home and ate dinner. Then I opened some presents - thanks for the gifts, people! I got Alien and High Fidelity on DVD, the soundtrack to Amelie (you gotta love that French music), and a sweeeeeet leather jacket. Oh yeah. Now I look like Ahnold. Then I was just chilling at the computer when the doorbell rang. I could hear all these people outside the door whispering: "Andrew...*mumble mumble*...cumpleaños(that's "birthday" for all you non-Spanish speakers)...sssssshhh callate china("shut up chinese girl")..." That's when I realized that I was about to be surprised. So I went to the door without even bothering to put on shoes, and there were about a dozen of my classmates standing outside. Woohoo! They brought me a cake and stuff. Yay! Thanks, people! And a special thanks to Souwa who organized it all!

We ate cake and talked a while at my house, then we left. Souwa and I went with Miguel and James to Friday's Night at Seguidores. That was cool. That was about it for Friday.

Saturday = aaaaggghh. I woke up early to go take the SAT II. We started late. Spanish was about as easy as usual. The writing part was so-so...I probably bombed the essay (the stupid IB doesn't prepare us to write like that...you know, non-academicaly)...and I actually had time to read through all of the Math 2C exam. That hadn't happened before on the practice tests, so I'm feeling optimistic.

I got out around 12:20. Then at 1, I had to go to four hours of driving theory. It nearly killed me. I think I dozed through 20-30 minutes of it. Waaaayy too boring of a way to spend a Saturday. I'm not sure if I have to go this Saturday or not...I really hope not. Otherwise I might have to slit my wrists with a sharp pencil or something.

Sunday was normal, except I didn't go to church because I had to finish homework. Bummer. Stupid school. We went out to eat at Tony Roma's as a way of finally ending the birthday celebration for me and my mom, then it was off to "Cenando con Jesus" - The Lord's Supper - at Seguidores. I nearly fell asleep, unfortunately. My body felt like it had weights tied to it. It's kind of annoying to be standing for around 45 minutes and have all these people jumping and dancing and praising God and to barely be able to clap. I wanted to scream, "Please! Let's a sing a softer, more serious song!"

Anyways, now I'm back in school. I have lots of work due. I want to go back in time and kill whoever invented the terms "extended essay", "Group 4 project", and "History internal coursework".

Driving class was so-so today. I can't seem to remember to use my mirrors, which is not good. I'm gonna crash and die. When I go back to the USA I'm going to drive a nice, easy automatic so I never have to think about when to use the clutch. Yes, I'm a wimp. I don't care.

Also, I heard this message was forwarded to lots of people. Personally, I think it's hilarious. The sad part is that I actually agree with most of it. I feel so anti-American now. Gringolandia is so backwards sometimes.

Here it is:

To the citizens of the United States of America

In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part.

Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.

You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise".

You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary".

Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".

There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).

You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents. Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.

While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football.

What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.

The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky.

The Russians have never been the bad guys.

You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler.

Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.

Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium.

Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager".

The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your cooperation.

That's all for now. Au revoir.

Quote of Da Moment:
"In Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One was propaganda. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: Turn back at once to Channel One."
--Yakov Smirnoff