Ramblings of a Constipated Mind

Oh 8:30 class, how I loathe thee. I just got back from Sociology. Having to wake up at 7 when you went to bed at 2 really sucks. I'll need lots of caffeine if I'm going to make it through today.

Also, I officially started my job. I just have to work 6 hours a week, and all the work can be done safely from the comfort of my dorm room. Sweet. My current project will involve researching philosophers, summarizing what I find into HTML or PDF files, and then linking to those files from a main HTML page. It shouldn't be too hard. My main concern is just getting the format and content right so that Prof. Bykova likes it. I think I'm going to set up some sort of work schedule. I'm thinking it would be best if I only work on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Tuesdays and Thursdays are already packed full.

And now, onto the question all of you (or at least one of you) are thinking: How did it go with Bruce "Don't Call Me Ash" Campbell?

To begin with: I have pictures. They're not very high-quality pictures since they were taken with a video camcorder, but they're still pictures. If anybody can tell me what Mac program to use to convert DV pictures into JPEG files, I'll be more than happy to post them for all the world to see. Until then, you'll just have to trust me when I say that I have documented proof that I shook hands and talked to a cultural icon.

Well, things started with me arriving late. The signing was supposed to start at 5:00, and I got there at 5:30. The good thing was that Bruce didn't really say anything (at least so I've heard) before the signing began. The bad thing is that I became the 196th person in line to get my book signed. They were only on the 30th person or so when I first walked into the theater. Bruce was up at the front at a table, and numbers thirty through forty were in line down the right aisle. So I sat down. And immediately came to realize two things:

1) Sweet! I'm in the same room as Bruce Campbell! He's right up there!
2) Oh. This is gonna be a loooooong wait...

I occupied myself at first by finding out what the policies on video cameras were. I hadn't been able to find anyone who could lend me a digital camera, so I was forced to take my camcorder. I was informed that Bruce didn't like anyone to videotape him. This wasn't surprising - I can understand how he wouldn't want pirated videos of him leaking out onto the Internet. Also, I have a strange suspicion that this policy is linked to a guy I know online who I've heard used a book signing a few years ago to get Bruce Campbell to say a line for his short film; it was a stunt that seemed to work, until the Screen Actors Guild realized that this guy was going to sell the short film on DVD, and went bonkers over it (at least, that's what I've heard). Campbell ended up being cut out of the movie, but I'm proud to say that I have a copy of the original short film saved on my hard drive, complete with Campbell goodness. But that's getting off topic.

I found out that it was okay to use my camcorder as long as I just used the Photo option. That was fine...except for the fact that I had never really used that option before. I took a few minutes to play around with it, and discovered that the pictures weren't going to be very good quality. If the subject was moving when taking the picture, it ended up being really blurry (as you will see whenever I figure out how to convert them to jpegs).

I sat around in the theater a while and paged through my book. I read the first few chapters; so far it's pretty interesting, and funny as well. At one point I went and visited an ATM since I was running low on cash. Waiting around for a couple of hours wasn't exactly fun, but it wasn't too bad. It gave me some time to think and read. Could have been worse.

Bruce took a 5-minute break from signing after #195. Wow. So close, and yet so far.

After I got my book signed (which I will talk about soon, don't worry), I overheard a group of friends talking. One of them said he went up and on a dare asked Bruce a completely bogus question: "Who would win in a fight, Count Chokula or that Count dude from Sesame Street?"

This guy was #195. Coincidence? Hmmm....

On his way up the aisle on the way to his break, two guys sitting in front of me decided to pull a little joke. As he walked by, one of them exclaimed loudly to the other, "Dude! Bruce Campbell could totally beat the crap out of Arnold Schwarzenegger!"

Bruce didn't hesitate a second. "Yeah. But I don't really want to." One thing I was constantly amazed it throughout the evening was how quick this guy is. He's extremely witty and funny, and knows how to take a joke.

Anyways, onto the signing. I went up, gave the photo guy my camcorder and showed him how to use it, and walked up to Bruce.

Our conversation was brief, but that was to be expected. I should mention that I was wearing my pink t-shirt to see if he said anything about it; the one that says "All my black shirts are dirty!" Our brief exchange went a little something like this:

Bruce: Nice shirt, man. I was at a convention last week, and almost everyone there wore black.
Me: Heh, thanks.
Bruce: So (looking at inside of book where my name was written) you're Andrew, huh? Where are you from?
Me: Well, I'm here in North Carolina for college. My brother told me to tell you hey from El Salvador. My family is there.
Bruce: Wow, that's cool. What are you planning on studying?
Me: Film, actually.
Bruce: Awesome. Make something good.
Me: Well, I'll do my best. Have any pointers?
Bruce: Yeah, don't be derivative. Be original. Find your own style and your own voice. Make your own movie. Don't copy someone else's idea - be the guy that someone else ends up copying.
Me: Thanks. I'll keep that in mind.
Bruce: Good luck.
Me: It was a pleasure meeting you.

We shook hands, and that was it. I took my book and went to get something to eat. That something happened to be a huge messy burrito that fell apart before I could eat it all. Smooth.

I returned to the theater around 8:30. The movie screening wasn't supposed to start until 9:30, but I had heard Bruce was going to talk and have a question-and-answer time at around 9:00. Well, turns out that was at 9:30. Waiting sucks.

At around 9:15 they announced that we had to have a ticket to see the movie. That was kind of annoying, since they hadn't announced that when I first arrived. The tickets cost $10. I'm going to go out on a limb and assume that tickets aren't usually that expensive; this theater was pretty small, and nothing special. The kind of theater that would attract lots of college students. I didn't like it, but I paid up for these reasons:

1) It wasn't just to see the movie, it was also to see Bruce Campbell live for 10-15 minutes.
2) I had already been at the theater for nearly 4 hours; I was gonna see the movie.

Anyways, at 9:30 Bruce came out, and everyone cheered. The theater was pretty crowded. Bruce told us a little about the movie. It was shot in Bulgaria. It was made for a little over a million dollars, and produced by the Sci-Fi Channel. I do remember this little piece of dialogue which had everyone in stitches:

Bruce: Can anyone guess why it was made in Bulgaria?
Crowd: Because it's cheap!
Bruce: How cheap?
Crowd member: Really cheap!
Second crowd member: Dirt cheap!
Third crowd member: Sci-Fi Channel cheap!
Bruce: That's exactly right!

The movie had been shown on the Sci-Fi Channel - I didn't realize it was a tv movie, but I didn't really care since I had just assumed it was going to be a low budget B-movie. Evidently it had aired right after another movie called Alien Apocalypse, which Bruce called "retarded." He said that one of the main reasons Alien Apocalypse sucked was that it was shot in Bulgaria, and in post-production the dialogue was dubbed to get rid of the Bulgarian accents of the actors. Evidently, this was not the case with The Man With The Screaming Brain. It was originally supposed to be set in LA amidst a latino community, but since they ended up filming in Bulgaria (which isn't exactly known for its latino population) the script was modified so it would make sense (set in a Bulgarian gypsy community) and Bulgarian accents would work just fine.

Bruce also claimed he was confronted by a pack of wild dogs every day when walking to work. He had to carry a bag of dog food with him. He'd throw a handful of food in the middle of street, whistle really loudly, and wild dogs would flock to it. When they were finished, they would glare at him with a look that seemed to say, "You're lucky." Note to self: don't ever shoot a movie in Bulgaria.

He then had a general question/answer session for around ten minutes, but I'll get to that later. For now, I'll talk about the movie: The Man With The Screaming Brain.

Overall, I enjoyed it, though I can see why many critics hated it. It's just what I thought it was going to be: a low budget B-movie. The good thing about it, though, is that it doesn't take itself seriously. It's just fun, and that's all it was ever meant to be. I got the feeling that I probably wouldn't like it as much if I was watching it by myself; the group experience of seeing it in theaters is what really made it shine. There are lots of jokes that normally would probably only make you smile, or not even be funny at all. But as long as you approach the movie lightly you'll find that these jokes will make you laugh out loud - or at least, I did. I doubt more than 2 minutes went by at a time without at least a few people cracking up at something. I'd recommend it to anyone, as long as they realize it's not trying to change the world and watch it with a group of people. It's exactly the kind of thing I'd expect from Bruce Campbell.

Anyways, at the end of the movie, everyone cheered, and that was it. However, for those of you who are interested, I'm going to post what I remmeber of the question-and-answer session with Bruce. Some of what he said is very interesting, and most of it is at least a little humorous. I actually got to ask him two things: one, what kind of camera he used for The Man With The Screaming Brain, and two, what his personal favorite of all his movies is. Unfortunately, I found that in my case, he didn't exactly answer the questions, at least not to the extent I wanted him to. But overall, he was good about answering questions - except of course for those he couldn't answer due to confidentiality stuff (such as questions related to Spider-Man). Here we go:

What kind of camera did you use to film this movie?

I used one of those Aeonflux cameras that make tons of noise.

He answered quickly and it was hard to understand what he meant, especially since I don't know a lot about cameras. Either Aeonflux is a camera brand, or he used one of the same cameras that was used to film the soon-to-be-released movie Aeon Flux.

What is your favorite movie?

The Bridge on the River Kwai. Not only does it have an incredible score and an awesome storyline, but William Holden is probably my favorite actor of all time. He could kick Ben Affleck's ass any day!

Will you be working on Bubba-Hotep 2?

Where did you read that, the Internet?

No, actually I heard it from the director last week in Durham.

Well, in that case...yes.

Everyone started cheering at this piece of news.

However, my schedule is filled. Don't expect major work to begin on it for at least another year.

Do you have a room in your house dedicated to memorabilia?

No, definitely not. I don't have anything in my house related to what I do. Things are different with me than it is for other people. I don't read anything except non-fiction and biographies. For me, I live in fiction and unreality. When I come home, I want to take a break from that. It's different with you guys. You live and work in the real world, so when you come home at night you want to come home at night and watch something unreal...like The Honeymooners remake.

Is there going to be an Evil Dead IV?

Hmm...

He strokes his chin.

You know, I hesitate to answer because I've never been asked that before...

Everyone laughed. For good reason. I mean, duh. You knew someone was gonna ask, even though on Bruce's website it clearly states that there are no plans for a new Evil Dead movie any time soon.

Seriously, though. If you want Evil Dead IV to be made, you've got to call Sam Raimi. Tell him to work on Evil Dead IV instead of Spider-Man 3. Good luck convincing him to do that!

Is there anyone you would really like to work with?

No. I don't play that game. I'm not the kind of guy who thinks to himself, "I really want to work with Martin Scorsese!" because I'm smart enough to know that that's not gonna happen. I don't see any point in thinking that way.

What have you observed about Hollywood that would probably surprise most of us everyday people?

That a whole lot of the people working in Hollywood don't like movies. The studios are run by lawyers and people with MBAs. You have to remember that Hollywood may work in the business of film, but it's a business nonetheless. That's why so much of what comes out of Hollywood these days is crap.

I mean, just think about it. When people think of B-movies, they generally think of low-budget films with bad writing, bad acting, and stupid plots. Well, guess what? These days Hollywood is churning out B-movies by the dozen. I mean, come on, a guy who gets bitten by a radioactive spider and somehow gets superpowers? Sounds like a B-movie to me. The only major difference between the movies Hollywood makes and the movies people like me make is that there's a few extra zeroes on the end of the budget.

Why did you make Bubba Ho-tep?

I didn't want to make a movie that would be shown on an airplane.

Really, you know what you see on airplanes? All of the unoriginal crap that Hollywood is putting out. Let's take a look, shall we? The Longest Yard: a remake of a movie from the 70s. The Dukes of Hazzard: a remake of a shitty tv show from the 70s. Everything is remakes or sequels these days. What's next? Batman Begins...Again? And just look at Tom Cruise's most recent movie. Do you realize that that's a story that was originally written in the late 1800s? Then in the early 1900s it was a radio drama. Then in the 1950s they made a movie. Now they're making another movie. War of the Worlds gets remade every fifty years! And it's just about something we've all seen before: an alien invasion. It's about the same thing as Alien Apocalypse.

If I were running a studio, instead of making one movie with a budget of $100 million, I'd make 100 movies each with a budget of $1 million. Really. The end result would probably be around 50 movies that really suck, 25 movies that are okay, 15 movies that are pretty good, and 10 movies that are excellent.

Is Terminal Invasion going to be released on DVD?

Um, why do you care?

Who are you going to play in Spider-Man 3?

Well, let's take a look back, shall we? In the first one, I played the first guy to ever refer to the hero as "Spider-Man." Without me, he would have been called The Human Spider! In the second one, I'm proud to say I played the only character to ever have defeated Spider-Man. Look at Doc Ock, he was way down in the river, but not me! I think it's pretty obvious that in the third one...well...

...I am Spider-Man!

This was obviously a joke. I'm guessing that he can't reveal his role just yet, and I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't even know who he's going to play yet. I recently read an interview in which he stated he was just given the pages of the script he'll appear in, but they haven't told him his role. However, he said it's possible he'll be playing a guy who just keeps annoying Spider-Man. Knowing Bruce, and taking his role in Spider-Man 2 into consideration, that seems very likely to me.

Of all the movies you've been a part of, which is your personal favorite?

You know what, let's take 30 seconds and play a different game. I'm going to slowly turn around. As soon as my back as turned I want you all to yell out the name of any movie I've been in that you absolutely hated. Ready?

He slowly and dramatically began to turn around. Before he was all the way turned, the audience was already shouting. Somebody shouted out "Congo."

Oh, yeah. Congo sucked, didn't it? Let me tell you why. They based it on a book by Michael Crichton, who is an awesome writer. The screenplay was written by John Patrick Shanley, who won an Oscar for Moonstruck. It was edited by Anne Coates, who did Lawrence of Arabia. It was produced by Kathleen Kennedy, who helped produce Jurassic Park, E.T. and a whole lot of Spielberg's other movies. Seems like the end result ought to be a good movie, right?

The only problem was that they forgot to hire a director.

Okay, now let's do this again. But don't say anything until I'm turned all the way around...

People started shouting out different things, until someone yelled, "Sky High." Bruce immediately exclaimed:

No, Sky High is a great, original movie and you should all buy tickets and go see it now!

The whole theater started laughing and cheering. People started calling out more movies. Someone said, "Serving Sara."

Yup. Serving Sara. I knew it was gonna suck when I was making it. One day I was walking to the set with Matthew Perry, and he looked at me and said, "You know, that Evil Dead video game really sucks." I said, "Do you play video games?" He said, "Well, yeah. And it sucks." So I asked him, "Have you beaten it yet?" And he was like, "Um...er....no." So then I just told him, "Well then maybe the game doesn't suck. Maybe it's just you who sucks."

Anyways, the point I'm trying to make is that if I gave you all time, eventually someone would have said they hated every single one of the movies I've made. And, on that note, it's my pleasure to present The Man With The Screaming Brain.
----

I didn't really like that answer of his, since it really didn't answer my question. I almost got the impression he personally doesn't like anything he's ever done. But anyways, that's all I have to say right now about my time with Bruce Campbell. Like his new movie or not, in person the guy has a great sense of humor and seems really down-to-earth. I think his ego is kept in check for the most part, which is quite a feat considering he's got a cult following.

I really enjoyed my evening with Bruce. I might go see the new movie he's in (The Woods), and I'll definitely be keeping a sharp lookout for him in Spider-Man 3. All I have to say to conclude is, if you have no idea who Bruce Campbell is, go rent The Evil Dead and The Evil Dead II right now. You won't regret it.

Quote of Da Moment:
"You killed my husband, bitch! And now, I'm going to kill you!"
--The Man With The Screaming Brain