Ramblings of a Constipated Mind

This week has been the worst, most confusing week of my life.

Not only have I had tons of work to do, but I feel like a wrecking ball has plowed into my emotional core. I am depressed. Severely.

Sonia and I broke up last Tuesday.

The reasons are hard to explain, but I suppose I have to. The only way I can think to do this is to be blunt about it. Here goes.

After careful thought and consideration, no matter how much it hurt and how much I didn't want to, I have concluded that I am a bisexual. I have had a sneaking suspicion of this - namely, the lustful urges that come and go towards members of both sexes - for the past few months. I didn't want to admit it, but it's true. I like girls. I like guys too.

You know how a post or two ago I said if I had to calculate my homosexual urges on Kinsey's scale of 1-6, I'd be a 2-2.3? I lied. It was more like a 3.2-3.8.

Anyways...yeah. I told Souwa this a few weeks ago. We prayed really hard about it, and then realized that the only proper thing to do was to break up. Let's face the facts here: she can't be with someone who isn't heterosexual, and I can't be with anyone until I get this emotional, sexual stuff worked out.

So yeah. I guess you could say I'm officially "coming out" now. Bring on the discrimination and the hate. I feel like crap already, but something tells me things might happen after I post this that make me feel like crap even more.

I don't know what to do. I'm really confused. I'm confused, depressed, and lonely. I feel like laying down and not getting up for a few days. I just want to sleep, and not have to think about all this.

I don't know. Is something wrong with me? Am I a mean person or something? I don't know. I hope not. I'm not even much of a practical joker. I'm no fun. I'm just boring. And now I'm a boring bisexual.

Tomorrow night I'm going to go see Brokeback Mountain. Maybe if I can see how those guys dealed with their sexual confusion I can deal with my own. You never know.

I'm going to go sleep now. It's 7:15. I'm just going to sleep and pray and go for as long as I can without getting up so I don't have to face the world and other people. I just can't handle it. I'm turning my phone off. Don't call me. Don't email me. Don't leave me any messages. Don't IM me. I'll post here when I'm ready to start communicating again. I need to sort all this out inside first.

I miss Souwa. I hope she's doing okay. She hasn't even posted anything about it on her blog yet. Maybe she's in denial. Like I was for a while.

I guess I should look on the bright side of things. As Woody Allen once said, "The benefit of being bisexual is that it doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night!"

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. What I do know is that it's hard for a lot of you to accept this. That's understandable. I can barely believe it myself. Something tells me it'll be a few days before you get over this and talk to me again. Just don't think I'm evil because of it. After all, this day had to come eventually.