Ramblings of a Constipated Mind

I have reached the conclusion that despite his nasal and raspy voice which takes a while to get used to, there might be some truth to the claim that Bob Dylan is a genius. His lyrics are so complex, yet so heartfelt. There's a poetic honesty to them that you don't see a lot of in mainstream music these days.

As I walked out tonight in the mystic garden
The wounded flowers were dangling from the vine
I was passing by yon cool crystal fountain
Someone hit me from behind

Ain't talkin', just walkin'
Through this weary world of woe
Heart burnin', still yearnin'
No one on earth would ever know

They say prayer has the power to heal
So pray for me mother
In the human heart an evil spirit can dwell
I am a-tryin' to love my neighbor and do good unto others
But oh, mother, things ain't going well

Ain't talkin', just walkin'
I'll burn that bridge before you can cross
Heart burnin', still yearnin'
There'll be no mercy for you once you've lost

Now I'm all worn down by weeping
My eyes are filled with tears, my lips are dry
If I catch my opponents ever sleeping
I'll just slaughter 'em where they lie

Ain't talkin', just walkin'
Through the world mysterious and vague
Heart burnin', still yearnin'
Walkin' through the cities of the plague.

Well, the whole world is filled with speculation
The whole wide world which people say is round
They will tear your mind away from contemplation
They will jump on your misfortune when you're down

Ain't talkin', just walkin'
Eatin' hog eyed grease in a hog eyed town.
Heart burnin', still yearnin'
Some day you'll be glad to have me around.

They will crush you with wealth and power
Every waking moment you could crack
I'll make the most of one last extra hour
I'll revenge my father's death then I'll step back

Ain't talkin', just walkin'
Hand me down my walkin' cane.
Heart burnin', still yearnin'
Got to get you out of my miserable brain.

All my loyal and my much-loved companions
They approve of me and share my code
I practice a faith that's been long abandoned
Ain't no altars on this long and lonesome road

Ain't talkin', just walkin'
My mule is sick, my horse is blind.
Heart burnin', still yearnin'
Thinkin' 'bout that gal I left behind.

Well, it's bright in the heavens and the wheels are flyin'
Fame and honor never seem to fade
The fire gone out but the light is never dyin'
Who says I can't get heavenly aid?

Ain't talkin', just walkin'
Carryin' a dead man's shield
Heart burnin', still yearnin'
Walkin' with a toothache in my heel

The sufferin' is unending
Every nook and cranny has its tears
I'm not playing, I'm not pretending
I'm not nursin' any superfluous fears

Ain't talkin', just walkin'
Walkin' ever since the other night.
Heart burnin', still yearnin'
Walkin' 'til I'm clean out of sight.

As I walked out in the mystic garden
On a hot summer day, a hot summer lawn
Excuse me, ma'am, I beg your pardon
There's no one here, the gardener is gone

Ain't talkin', just walkin'
Up the road, around the bend.
Heart burnin', still yearnin'
In the last outback at the world's end.

I spent a lot of today napping and giving my brain a break. Played some video games. Watched some movies. I ended up going over to Mason's apartment to watch Gattaca with him and some other friends at around 1 in the morning. Fun times. Now I just wish I could do sit-ups while hanging upside down.

I realize I haven't posted my thoughts on Knocked Up. They are still brewing. I have a feeling it's a movie I'll have to see again to really digest everything that's going on. Unlike The 40 Year-Old Virgin, which has some very concrete metaphors and a more easily-understandable conflict, this movie is a bit more subtle. Or at least, that's how it seemed to me. Maybe it's because I can relate more to the idea of a geeky guy who hasn't yet "done the deed" to a different type of loser who gets a girl pregnant after a one-night stand.

I don't know. The 40 Year-Old Virgin is a film about how sex is more important than we give it credit for. Knocked Up is more about how complicated things can get when we forget that. There's a lot more lurking beneath the surface in terms of the characters, and the complexities of each of them. I guess it's realistic in that it really explores the gray areas of people. I spent a lot of the film not sure who I should be rooting for, if anyone. The moment you find someone you like or dislike, they do something to completely reverse your opinion of them. In some ways, the script for Knocked Up is a lot more mature and darker than its predecessor. There's a whole slew of themes coursing through it. You've got everything from the importance of responsibility, to marriage and the highs and lows that entails, to how to cope with aging and how relationships change over time. Complicated stuff.

That said, it's still a really really funny movie. I can't remember the last time I laughed as hard. Like 40 Year-Old Virgin, there's a lot of crude humor, but also like that film, that's not the only kind of humor there is, and it seems appropriate. Sexual situations play a key role in both movies, so it fits that the characters would joke and talk about it a lot. Apatow has a gift for writing snappy dialogue and situations. I'm wondering if his next film will also be a relationship/sex comedy, completing a trilogy. Perhaps one focusing on marriage, and the temptation that exists there?

I also saw The Big One, the second documentary by Michael Moore. Now I have seen all of his mainstream documentaries. This one was really similar thematically to Roger & Me, but it focused on the general problems caused by corporate America rather than a single company. It wasn't quite as tightly structured as his other films, but it was still pretty good. If I had to rank his movies, they would be in the following order:

4) Fahrenheit 9/11 - I don't remember anything about this film except the first scene. I remember it was funny, and I liked it. However, I also seem to remember thinking that it went a bit over-the-top, even for Moore. Overall, it didn't leave a huge impression on me.
3) The Big One - Good and funny, with some really intriguing events and scenes. However, it seems a bit too generalized and poorly-structured, perhaps due to the fact that it was filmed during the course of his book tour.
2) Roger & Me - Great film. It's really well-made, particularly for when it came out, and was the first documentary to achieve somewhat "mainstream" status. There's a lot of dark humor in this examination of corporate America and class struggle. For me, the key scene comes when a company representative tells Moore, "You don't represent anyone." Perhaps there is some grain of truth to the idea that capitalism has the potential to undercut democracy and promote inequality.
1) Bowling For Columbine - This is just a great film, worthy of its Oscar. What starts out as an examination into whether or not gun control is necessary turns quickly into an overall examination of violence in American culture in general. It's really quite fascinating. If you only see one of his movies, see this one. The climactic scenes with Charlton Heston are incredible.

I'm looking forward to Sicko, which comes out this summer. No matter what you think of Moore's politics, you can't deny he's a decent filmmaker with some intriguing ideas. Is he biased? Yes, but then again, I guess we all are. And Moore is willing to completely rethink his views and change his film if he finds something that makes him change his mind.

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I have about 40 pages written of my screenplay. The plan for Saturday and Sunday: finish getting all of the scenes I know have to be in there written. Then spend next week working on structure, transitioning between plot points, putting it all in the proper form, etc. I'm gonna make it. And let's be honest: it's not like I was going to spend a lot of time studying for exams anyway. At this point, I really don't give a crap. As long as I finish this screenplay and pass, I'm happy. The sooner I can leave this semester behind, the better.

I find myself teetering between two extremes in a lot of ways. I'm either very stressed out, or quite relaxed. Confident or very insecure. I'm about as stable as a bi-polar teenage girl on crack: not really. I find myself both extremely optimistic at times, and very cynical at others. The result is that I have mixed desires. I want to love the world and find my place in it. At the same time, pardon the French, but at times I also want it go fuck itself and leave me alone. I want to get out there and stay busy and be focused. Yet some days I just want to stay in bed and not get up. Ever. I don't want to be alone, yet I also find myself extremely bitter and distrustful of women and relationships in general. If Keira Knightley walked up to me and said she wanted to go out, I'd tell her I'm more than willing to provide her with a brief makeout session, but if she's looking for an actual relationship she'll have to go find some other chump to manipulate. I'm not falling for it. Women are just as shitty and selfish as men, except it's easier for them to convince themselves they're not, and we men help them do it.

Wow. I'm really feeling the cynicism tonight.

I firmly believe there was a period of a few weeks where I could have been considered clinically depressed. I'm pretty sure I'm over it, for the most part. At least, I'm not having psychosomatic symptoms anymore. I don't feel randomly nauseous. I don't find myself suddenly extremely short of breath and having trouble breathing. I don't cry myself to sleep every night anymore (though it took about a month to five weeks for that to stop). Headaches aren't as frequent or as intense. Oh, and I don't wake up screaming now, so that's good. Surely this is progress. Life's a bitch. You just gotta deal with it. Tom Hanks was right: I've just gotta wake up every morning and breathe in and out, and then eventually I'll reach a point where I won't have to think about getting up in the morning and breathing in and out, and I'll forget about how I had it good and perfect for a while.

I never thought I would be looking forward to leaving the state and working 80 hours a week. Sometimes I'm scared to death. But overall, I can't wait. Selling books is a lot of work, but it's not exactly a hard job, and it really is more fun than people think. I need to get away for a while. Hopefully over the summer I'll be able to regain some focus and find some stability of some sort.

I'll stop whining now. Time for sweet sleep. Then back to work. Yay.

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Forgot to mention: Yesterday I called in to my favorite film podcast, The Movie Blog: Uncut. They had Brian Taylor and Mark Neveldine, the directors of Crank, on the show to talk about that film and the upcoming thriller they wrote, Pathology, starring Milo Ventimiglia (Peter Petrelli on Heroes). Very down-to-earth guys. I didn't think Crank was a fantastic film, but I did like it. It was just a big, dumb fun ride, which was exactly what it set out to be. And as a result for calling in, I'm getting mailed an autographed copy of the DVD. Woohoo! I love free stuff.

Also: speaking of Heroes, I'm a convert now. A few weeks ago I realized that all of the episodes could be viewed online. I had heard that it was a good show, so I watched a few. Then I got hooked and ended up watching all 18 episodes in around 2-3 days, while I was working. Now I can watch it on television. This is just a consistently good show. The writing is really amazing, considering they manage to give all of their characters a decent amount of screen time and fully develop their plotlines. I'm upset, though, because I'll miss the last two episodes by being off in Wisconsin. I guess I'll have to watch them when I get back.

So, I've finished editing my short video for my Honors seminar group project. At least, I've gotten it to a point I can live with. There are some audio glitches here and there, and I didn't have time to do any sort of color correction, but on the whole, it could be a lot worse. The people I've shown it to have liked it, and think it's funny. Hopefully my teacher and the rest of the class will feel the same way when we present it on Monday.

Now, it's time for the next challenge: finishing my feature-length screenplay. I've got around 10 days to hand in what will most like end up being around a 75-100 page script. Right now I've got around 30 pages. I don't expect to be getting a lot of sleep. The good news is the class seems to have responded well to the excerpts I've shown, so it looks like I'm heading in the right direction. At this point, I've just got to remember that it's a first draft, so it doesn't have to be perfect. It just has to be complete. This is an idea I'd really like to return to for future revisions, because it's a project that could easily be made for a very low budget. It's also somewhat unique, genre-wise, so at least I know I'm not entirely unoriginal. We'll see what happens. However, I can expect a couple of sleepless nights between now and next Friday.

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I updated my film blog with a couple of articles I wrote for the paper. Also, I saw Hot Fuzz. I don't have time to write a full-fledged review, but in a nutshell: it's really good. Go see it. Most people say it isn't as good as Shaun of the Dead, but I liked it about the same, probably because I consider Shaun to be slightly overrated. Hot Fuzz is just a whole lot of fun, and the second half is brilliant. There are so many references to other films that I'm positive I didn't catch them all. Definitely check it out.

In other movie news, tomorrow I will be skipping Vintage21 Bible study. They'll be discussing the issue Tyler talked about on Sunday, which is sex. Like every other guy, I went to church on Sunday eagerly awaiting to listen about the joys and dangers of sex. However, unfortunately, the message wasn't just about sex, it was also about relationships in general surrounding sex. Not cool. Though it was a really good talk, and went into a lot of great ideas, I can't handle it again. While I can take note of the sex points for future reference, recent personal issues prevent me from thinking about the other stuff without going emotionally bonkers.

So, as much as I'd like to talk about the various issues with other college-age kids (let's be honest: talking about sex is always fun, particularly if one is a 20-something male with no experience in it), I have decided to pass on the opportunity in order to go to a screening of Knocked Up, the latest film by the director of one of my biggest surprises of 2005, The 40 Year-Old Virgin. The way I figure, it's just replacing one experience related to sex with another, and this'll probably make me laugh more. Early reviews are extremely positive, and I'm hoping it proves to be as sweet and positive a look at sex and its consequences as The 40 Year-Old Virgin (which I would go as far to call a "Christian" film). I wouldn't go if it was coming out before I leave for the summer (I'll be going to Wisconsin), but it doesn't. I'll actually get to see it more then a month before its wide release. Woohoo!

You can view the trailer for Knocked Up here.

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Now comes the part of the post where I make statements which cast doubts on my spiritual stability (which I guess is appropriate, since I'm not feeling very spiritually stable, and maybe that's a good thing). To any IMB personnel reading this: Do not fire my parents. They are much wiser, stronger people than me. They raised me right, and it ain't their fault if I turn out all wrong.

I'm about halfway through Ruthless Trust, the sequel to The Ragamuffin Gospel. So far, it's very good. It actually talks about a lot of the same things I wrote about a few posts go. I guess I'm a mind-reader or can see the future or something.

Spiritually speaking, I am currently at a place of dire uncertainty, and I don't know if that's a good or bad thing. All the theological tenets I used to be sure of are now just options. At the most, they are things I still mostly believe in, yet are in the background, having been replaced by other, more important revelations. There is only a single thing of which I am certain: the love of Christ. That's probably heretical in a lot of ways, but at the moment it's what part of me is feeling. All of the rest doesn't seem to matter as much in comparison. And I mean everything.

Exclusivism vs. universalism? It's just theology. Not to mention an impossible question to answer. Evolution? Theology. Eschatology? Theology.

Free will vs. predestination? Theology. Though I firmly believe that free will is what makes the one thing I am sure of (Christ's love and grace) such an amazing thing.

Calvinism? At the moment I disagree with around 3-4 points of the whole "TULIP" belief system, though that might change once I get around to doing some more thorough research on the issue.

I'm not even certain of the fundamentals even more, the "basics" of Christianity (or at least the brand of Christianity I was raised in). The nature of Christ as the Son of God? Theology. The Trinity? Theology.

The Bible as the Word of God? Theology. It's something I find myself having to question more and more as I ponder the role of exegesis and the role of interpretation. Can there even be a "right" way of interpreting the Bible, particularly considering that it can (and has) been used to justify just about anything, no matter how terrible? Does having the right interpretation even matter, as long as one's heart is in the right place? And what exactly is the right place? By placing the Bible on such a high pedestal, did Protestant Christianity just replace a Pope of flesh and blood with a Pope of pages and ink? I don't know.

In the end, what is the core of Christianity? I used to think it was, "Acceptance of Christ as your personal Lord and Savior, and accepting that he died for your sins." But I'm starting to wonder if even that is too narrow a definition. The idea of a "personal Lord and Savior" isn't even biblical, at least that I know of. And everything about dying for sins... yes, I believe that, but is it necessary? Only around 1/3 of the world claims to be "Christian", and I doubt all of those people really know what that means. I have to believe that more people than that, in the end, are destined for heaven, or paradise, or whatever the afterlife may entail (again, it's more theology). I have to believe that God's mercy is wider than my narrow, limited view of Him.

When I examine the person of Jesus Christ, and meditate on theological issues, they all crumble away in the face of His divine love. Suddenly, it's okay not to believe that the Bible is the Word of God - I'm not even sure where I stand on that. It's okay not to believe that Christ is the Son of God. It's okay not to believe or understand the cross, atonement, resurrection. When I'm honest with myself, I have to admit to myself that these are all theological issues in one way or another, and while theology can be a great thing, it isn't THE thing. God's love is the thing, and it's big. How big? Big enough for everyone? I don't know. I hope so. Honestly, I think the coolest thing would be to get to heaven and have Hitler kneeling in awe before the majesty of The Creator Of The Universe. Is that going to happen? I don't know. But I think the love of Christ at least much bigger than we give it credit for.

I wonder if Jesus was the leader of a church today, what the official church doctrine would be. Would it say, "In order to be part of my Church, you must believe I am the Son of God, the Bible is My Word, and that I died for your sins"? Would He even bother with a Statement of Faith? Sometimes I find myself thinking that it would only be two sentences long: "I love you, even when you don't believe I do. That is enough." Could that be the case, or is it just wishful thinking?

In the end, who can know the mind of God? We can't. We have to be willing to admit to ourselves that it is quite possible all of our doctrines and all of our theology, no matter how basic it may seem, is wrong. It's a scary thing to think about, but in some ways that's a good thing, since it forces us to push aside all of our pride and egoism and fall face first onto His love. When dealing with the complexities of God, and the world, and culture, there is no way to concretely define what is right and wrong. Heck, it's even hard to concretely define if there is such a thing as right and wrong, or at least that it's possible to know right and wrong in every situation. God can see hearts. We can't. Christ said the two most important commandments were, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart" and "Love your neighbor as yourself." As long as we do that, does the rest even really matter? What if we don't even do those two things?

In God, are there any certainties, except love? What do you have to know and do? What are the non-negotiables? Are there any? I don't know. And the more I think about it, the more I start to realize that "I don't know" is perhaps the best possible response. I really hate that, but maybe that's what Christianity is all about: not knowing anything except the love of Christ, and translating that into love for others. Maybe that is indeed the basis of faith and trust - admitting that all of one's beliefs and passions and emotions and convictions are dust in the Presence of the Holy.

Or maybe I'm completely off base and missing something important. I don't know.

This was too hilarious not to post.

WARNING: mild language.

Once again, an idea I had was taken and made without me. However, I can't believe they actually pulled this off. This is one of the biggest cinematic milestones in history, if not the biggest. This just moved up to the top of my Netflix queue.

Wow.

Considering that now 32 students from Virginia Tech are dead. I have a ways to go before I pick up a gun and start shooting people. That's messed up.

I honestly cannot fathom why anyone would be involved in a school shooting. It just doesn't make sense. I can somewhat empathize with people who commit suicide, or who want revenge, but killing dozens of random people just doesn't add up logically. Unless you're thinking to yourself, "Well if I'm going to die I might as well become infamous in the process," there's no reason for killings of that magnitude.

Suddenly, Bowling For Columbine seems that much more relevant.

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If you haven't already, check out my report on Full Frame, complete with photos and a few links to media.

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Nothing but work for me here on out. I'm extremely far behind on my screenplay, I'm still working on that short film for my honors class, I'm still getting loads of assignments for the newspaper, and I've got two more jobs demanding my attention. And lets not forget the study abroad paperwork. And the meetings that it seems like everyone is holding that I'm expected to be at.

Last time I checked, college was supposed to be a happy place.

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Full Frame has inspired me to think about making documentaries. I've already been planning on filming a short one about my experience in China, but there are a couple of issues that I think deserve more attention and are worth putting in the effort to make a feature-length film about. They are, in no particular order:

1) College sexuality. Sex has for years been a topic of extreme interest to me - and I don't mean in just the typical "I'm a horny male looking to spread my seed" way. I find it fascinating how much emphasis is placed on sexuality in American culture. From the media portrayal, to the conflict between sex and religion, to the role of sex in a relationship, to sexual behavior, to sexual deviancy, to people's attitudes towards sex in general, it's a really intriguing topic to study, and one I think is often overlooked either out of fear or out of overexposure. If I could major or minor in Sexology, I probably would, just because it's such a powerful part of life and culture, and one that has the potential to easily be misinterpreted and misused. From what I gather, North Carolina on the whole is a pretty conservative state. Lots of students grow up in religious backgrounds. Nine out of ten people claim that they'll wait for sex until marriage and be abstinent throughout college. However, I think I read somewhere that only 1-3 end up keeping this promise. It might be interesting to investigate the reasons this is the case, how many students take advantage of the promotion of "safe" sex at NC State, the number of pregnancies, people who get married in college, etc.

2) Homelessness. This is something I've been interested in ever since coming to college and seeing the homeless population on Hillsborough Street. The shelters are all full. LaborReady (an organization that helps people find work) is busy all day long. People I've talked to who are more familiar with the matter have told me they know dozens of people who are living in poverty despite their best efforts to escape. This doesn't make sense to me - I can understand homelessness in a third world country, but the United States is the most prosperous countries in the world. It's easy to dismiss the problem by saying, "They just don't want to work" or "It's their own fault." While that might be true in some cases, it certainly can't be true for all. This might be interesting to investigate. Perhaps one summer I could pull a Morgan Spurlock and be homeless for a month, and document the experience.

3) The rise of the Christian left. People hate the religious right. I know, because I'm one of them. That's probably the biggest areas of hypocrisy in my life - I judge those who judge. The problem is, the conservative religious right is only a portion of all Christians, and I would hesitate to say that they're even a majority. However, they are the people that receive the most media attention, probably because they're so outspoken, and as a result I think it's easy for people to place all Christians under that stereotype. I think one of the main reasons people today can be so anti-religion is because of the hypocrisy found in organized religion. In a time when tolerance towards Muslims is applauded, tolerance towards Christians is pushed aside. It would be interesting to interview major thinkers, authors and artists of what I think of as the emerging "Christian left" or Christians with more liberal views. I would also investigate the hardcore religious right. I think it's important to remind people that not all Christians are like Jerry Falwell, and even the Jerry Falwells of the world deserve love and tolerance. This might make for an interesting documentary.

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Perhaps another main reasons for my interest in that last topic is that I'm basically the "liberal" of the family. Over around the past 5-7 years, I've noticed myself gradually sliding towards the left side of the American political spectrum. For example, when voting in 2008, here are the issues I'm going to be focusing on:

1) The environment. I'm sorry, but the fact of the matter is that global warming is real, and we're basically committing gradual suicide by destroying the planet. Even if we start cutting back now, it's going to take decades to get back to a healthy level of resource consumption. I firmly believe that if this issue isn't dealt with firmly, we could very well be past the point of no return within the next few decades. The religious right needs to stop focusing on abortion and homosexuality, and start concentrating on this, because we won't be around to argue about abortion and homosexuality if we're dead due to an ecological meltdown. I strongly support whatever measures need to be taken in order for us to avoid catastrophe. Make a consumption tax like in Europe, charge nine dollars a gallon for gas and force people to drive smaller cars, I don't care. Do what has to be done.

2) The war. I'm opposed to it. This administration is terrible, and I hope it's the worst I ever see in my lifetime, because if things get any worse than they are now then I'll have to seriously consider moving overseas. We need someone in the White House that will stop manipulating the American people (in regards to multiple issues, not just the war), and come up with a straightforward, solid exit strategy. We can't just leave now, we're in too deep, but we also can't stay there forever either. We've got to come up with a concrete plan, and realize that this is a war of ideologies, and that Iraqi culture is vastly different from ours and treating it otherwise will just make things worse. This whole "war on terror" needs to be really toned down. I don't understand why the U.S. had to get crazy offensive after a single terrorist attack that was due in a large part to our own mistakes. No matter what you think of Michael Moore, you can't deny he had a point when he said: "You can't declare war on a noun." Honestly, I think the world would be a better place right now if Hussein were still in power. With the amount of money we've spent on this stupid war, we could have stopped world hunger.

3) Whether or not "Intelligent Design" should be taught in schools. I'm an evolutionist. Creationism is not science. Saying, "The universe is so complex that we can't figure out what's going on, so there must be a Creator" is not science, even though I would agree with the majority of that statement. Save it for the religion and mythology classes. Evolution is science, and that's what should be taught in schools, nothing more. Yes, it's just a theory, but so is gravity.

4) Economic reform. I don't know a whole lot about economics. However, I do know that the idea that the wealthiest 2% of Americans get more tax breaks than the poor is ludicrous. There's a widening gap between the upper and lower class, and it needs to stop. Personally, I have a whole lot of issues with capitalism in general, but if you're going to be a capitalist society you can at least do your best to level the playing field a bit more.

5) Abortion. This is an issue that I think has been blown way out of proportion by the religious right and the Republican Party. There are way more important things that need to be dealt with, like poverty and AIDS and the environment, to name a few. However, for the record, though I am morally opposed to abortion, I do think that it should remain legal. To anyone who disagrees, I would point you to the film Lake of Fire and propose the idea that abortion is a fundamentally unique issue from the get-go, and that perhaps both sides are right.

6) Gay marriage. This is another issue that I think has been way overblown by the right. There are way more serious things happening than two consenting adults of the same sex deciding they want to be more than friends. It doesn't hurt you, and it doesn't hurt me. Personally, I'm not even sure if homosexuality can be considered biblically wrong. I think homosexuals should at least be allowed to be married civilly by the state; to not allow that is unconstitutional in my book. Will somebody explain to me how the idea of two people committing to a monogamous relationship is a bad thing? If anything, the religious right should support gay marriage, since it cuts down on promiscuity! I understand the controversy with the idea of marrying gays religiously, and I'm on the fence when it comes to that, but if a country promises equality for all then the government needs to back it up.

7) Political party. I'm registered independent. If I like the Republican candidate more, I'll vote for him. If I like the Democrat candidate more, I'll vote for him. If I'd rather see Ralph Nader or a communist in office, I'll vote for them. I don't think Jesus would be affiliated with any particular party. Both parties have a whole lot of problems. The religious right needs to stop its love affair with the Republican party, and liberals need to stop their with the Democrats. Both parties have good and bad things to offer. To claim that only one is the best is like comparing raw sewage to a paper mill: both stink. At the moment, there's a 99.9% chance I'll vote Democrat in the next election, just since: a) I'm very fed up with the current administration; b) at least the Democrats have some strong candidates already out there; c) in all likelihood, I'll probably agree more with the Dems when it comes to what I consider to be the "big" issues such as the war, the environment and the economy.

In general, I'm just of the opinion that people need to shut up and stop trying to force their opinions on others, especially if the only reason they have those views is religion. Too many Christians seem to want a theocracy rather than a democracy, and forget that whole reason the Pilgrims came over here was to get away from a government that didn't allow them the freedom to practice their own beliefs. The United States is founded on the idea that every person and every person's beliefs are equal, whether you're a Christian or a Satanist or Jerry Falwell or Larry Flynt or whatever. I've said it before and I'll say it again: if you want a Christian nation where everyone has to abide by your moral compass, go buy a small island somewhere and make one (that goes for everyone, not just the Christians). I'm sure if Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson and James Dobson pooled their resources they could afford one. Then again, such an island would probably be in a constant state of civil war over doctrinal differences between denominations. What a sad state of affairs we live in.

Quote of Da Moment:
"Should such an ignorant people lead the world? How did it come to this in the first place? Just a handful can speak a language other than English... We don't know about anything that's happening outside our country. Our stupidity is embarrassing. National Geographic produced a survey which showed that 60 percent of 18-25 year olds don't know where Great Britain is on a map. And 92 percent of us don't own a passport."
--Michael Moore

"White people scare the crap out of me... I have never been attacked by a black person, never been evicted by a black person, never had my security deposit ripped off by a black landlord, never had a black landlord... never been pulled over by a black cop, never been sold a lemon by a black car salesman, never seen a black car salesman, never had a black person deny me a bank loan, never had a black person bury my movie, and I've never heard a black person say: We're going to eliminate ten thousand jobs here— have a nice day!"
--Michael Moore

Wow, what a weekend.

I wrote a short novel about Full Frame over on my film blog. Check it out.

As much as I'd like to post some more theology-related thoughts that I've been meditating on recently, I don't have time. It is approximately 4:30 in the morning. I have been up finishing up as much schoolwork as possible. Why? Because in approximately four and a half hours I will be waking up and getting organized for the event that I have been waiting all year to attend.

That's right, folks. IT'S FULL FRAME TIME!

Over the next three and a half days, I will spend approximately 52 hours at the Carolina Theater in Durham watching documentaries, talking documentaries, thinking documentaries, and meeting people related to documentaries. On average, I will be spending around 13-14 hours a day in DocumentaryLand. This is like the Southwestern weekend of movie geekness. Unfortunately, I have learned the Scorsese will only be there in video form, but the other nine guests will be there in person, and I am about to wet myself in anticipation. I am about to sacrifice sleep, nutrition and my social life for the greater good that is Full Frame. If possible, I will try to post brief daily updates of the experience, but seeing as how I won't be getting back until between midnight and 2 A.M. it's doubtful that I'll be able to, despite the fact that I'll probably be on a four-day caffeine high. So much to see, so little time!

Let the insanity begin.

Quotes of Da Moment:
"A Festival like this offers a sustained, concentrated exposure to the sheer emotional power of documentary filmmaking, its ability to communicate the drama embedded in human experience. In Durham last weekend, you could walk into the stately dark of the Carolina Theatre and lose yourself in real life."
--A.O. Scott of The New York Times

"The premier documentary film festival in the United States."
--IndieWire and The New York Times

"The preeminent documentary film festival in North America."
--Docurama

"The Cannes of documentary film festivals."
--International Documentary

After much prayer and meditation, and sometimes just straight out of nowhere, I have been given some rather astounding insights (at least, I think they are) into that which is called God. Perhaps they will be of some benefit to you readers, as they have been to me:

1. God is not merely monarch, and metaphors are not literal description. We've kinda been talking about this a bit in my religion class, and it's gotten me thinking. God is most often referred to these days as "Lord" and "King." He is the Ruler Of The Universe. He is God, we are Man. He is a He, a patriarch.

There is nothing wrong with this line of thinking. However, we have to remember something: this is a metaphor. God cannot be accurately described, for God is beyond our ways of thinking. The only way to describe God is through metaphor and symbol. A lot of these metaphors are found in Scripture. Viewing God as Lord and King (the "monarchical model of God") is biblical. However, in Western culture, perhaps we have forgotten that this is not actual description. Perhaps we have forgotten that that is not actually all that God is. Perhaps we have forgotten that God as King is only a metaphor, and not literal description. Really, just think about it. When you imagine God, how do you imagine Him? I don't know about you, but I typically imagine Him as a King or majestic Prince ruling over the universe from up in heaven. When I'm honest with myself, I have to admit that my culture has raised me to think that that is actually how God is, and that is how He relates to the world. But that's not true. If we think of God only as Lord and King, we can come to some very dangerous conclusions. For example, we can conclude (at least subconsciously) that:

a) God is external from the world. He is separate from us, as a king is separate from his subjects. Although He loves us, he is not actively involved in us, as least not from inside the world. He controls everything from afar, and is distant. We must constantly be striving to reach for Him.

b) If God rules hierarchically over us, then we can rule hierarchically over the world. We have dominion over all of creation, and can exploit it as we wish. Just as God is above us, so there are certain elements in the world that are above others.

c) God is a patriarch, and He is Father only as much as a father rules over a household.

These are dangerous conclusions, but if you look at Western culture it's easy to see them at work in our attitudes and our actions. It is important to separate metaphor from literal description, and to realize that no metaphor perfectly encompasses God. Yes, God is in many ways like a Lord and King. However, in many ways He is not.

2. God wants us to be happy. It has been said that suffering comes from God, and He uses it as a tool. This is a lie. God might use suffering, but it does not come from Him. He does not wish to see his creation suffer. He does not wish for misfortune and evil to befall us. In fact, when we do suffer, and when evil does enter the picture, He doesn't sit on his throne, impassive, using the situation for His own means. He suffers with us. He loves us so much that he can't stand to see bad things happen to us. He hates it when we fall victim to our own faults and mistakes and sins. Jesus wept at the death of Lazarus, and God cries out in agony when His creation suffers.

3. God is love. It's a simple sentence, and one we repeat all too often. Do we really understand the significance of this phrase? Of all the adjectives used to describe God, of all the characteristics that make Him up, love is chosen as His very definition. God = love. Love is the very substance that He is composed of.

This has vast theological implications for how God relates to the world. He does not rule it from afar, like a monarch. He is very much intimately involved in creation, and in the world. He loves you. He loves me. He is filled with a love that we cannot begin to comprehend, and we can only experience it ourselves in small doses. He loves us with all the possible kinds of love that exist:

a) God loves us as an artist loves his creation. God looks upon us and says, "This is good." God is proud of His accomplishment. In His eyes, we are a beautiful creation. Just as art is a reflection of the artist, so we are a reflection of God. We are a product of His essence.

b) God loves us as a parent loves their child. This does not just mean as a patriarch. God is Father, and God is Mother. We were conceived in love. God loves us despite our limited ways of thinking. He disciplines us when we need it. He does not wish to see us suffer. He wishes us only the best. He lets us make our own decisions, even when He knows they're the wrong ones. He picks us up when we fall. He kisses us and makes it better.

c) God loves us as a friend loves a friend. God doesn't just want to interact with us as master and servant, king and citizen. He wants to interact with us on equal ground. He wants us to share our secrets with Him, and He in turn wants to share Himself with us. He wants to give us advice. He wants to play, and have fun. He wants to just hang out.

d) God even loves us sexually. He lusts after us. He is filled with raw, wanton desire. We are an object of obsession for him. He wants to know us in the most intimate, personal ways possible. He wants our spirits to be one.

e) God loves us as a groom loves the bride. He loves us passionately, as lover. He entire existence is dedicated to loving us, even though we don't deserve it. He follows us around our whole lives saying, "Marry me. Let me love you. Let me love you! My heart cries out for you!" He desires a relationship. He is the guy in every chick flick who will pull any impossible stunt, and embarrass himself in the most humiliating way, if that's what it takes for us to understand the scope of his affection.

I am amazed and humbled when I think about the things and the people I love, and what I would do for them, and realize that that is only a fraction of how much God loves us. There is at least one person I have loved with my full heart, and all that I am. I am so overwhelmed by love that at times I can't breathe and have to gasp for air, and feel a profound emptiness without them. If we loved with the fullness of God, we would be blown apart, for we wouldn't be able to contain both its power and the hole that results from rejection. Even so, given the fact that God is love, I can only conclude that love is not from us. Any love, no matter what type, cannot be produced by the human brain or the human heart. True love is the most powerful force in the universe, because it is the essence of God Himself. "Love can conquer all obstacles" - it's a rather corny adage, but one I am forced to believe, since love is even powerful enough to wipe out sin. Granted, our love is not pure, and can be tainted, but at its core, I believe all love to be good. It is impossible for true love to be sinful, or to stand in the way of God. True love is a sign of God's presence in the world. True love goes against our very nature as human beings. Human nature says, "I am what matters. I want only what serves me. I want only what satisfies me." Love says, "I am a fool for you. My life is not worth living if you are not in it. You make life better. I want to do whatever I can to satisfy you, and make you happy." Love says, "I would die for you." This is why Christ died. We can dress it up with theological talk about atonement for sins and resurrection and conquering death, but the core of the act is simple: love. Christ died because He loves us, and would do anything to be with us. Love is the only thing worth dying for.

4. We will never be perfect. This is not what our culture would have us believe. American culture says that it is possible to be perfect. If we wear certain clothes, eat certain food, and look a certain way, we will be perfectly satisfied. American religion says the same thing. If we act a certain way, if we don't sin, if we strive after God in the way we're supposed to, if we believe the right things, then we will be right before God.

This could not be further from the truth.

We talk about grace like we understand what it means, but we don't. We still think that if we do the right things, God will love us more. Whether we consciously acknowledge it or not, we still think we have to earn His love. We think that if we stop ourselves from sinning, He will love us more than the others. We think that if we believe the right doctrine, we are more "Christian" than those who disagree (to all of those of you who belong to a particular denomination, just be honest - subconsciously, do you think your denomination is more right about things than all the other ones, and that you're better Christians than them because of it?). We think that if we have a quiet time every day, and pray like we think we're supposed to, and say "I'm sorry" after every mistake, then we will eventually be spiritually satisfied. We still believe that it is possible to be spiritually complete through our own efforts. And it's easy to why - that's exactly what our culture and nature would have us believe. If there is anything human beings desire, it's control. We want to have control over our fates and our accomplishments, spiritual and otherwise. What makes God's love so amazing is that it completely goes against our nature, and makes control worthless and pointless to strive for.

We will never be complete. We will never say all the right things. We will never do everything right. Our motives will never be pure. Like it or not, in the back of our minds, we will think about ourselves most of the time. Our doctrine is most likely as flawed as our spiritual condition, and we will never be 100% correct in claiming what goes on in the mind of God.

And this is good.

God loves us even though we don't deserve it, and even though we will never measure up to it. Christ came not for those who had things right, but for those that had it all wrong, and we all have it wrong. We are sick, and He is the doctor. His love has no boundaries, and nothing we ever do will make Him love us or approve of us more than He already does. We all have our good days and our bad days. We all have times when we are as wrapped up in Him as we possibly can be. And we all have times when we are wrapped up only in ourselves, and we leave Him on the sidelines. That's okay. He doesn't want to be there, but He will love us just as much from there as He will when He's in front.

In fact, when Christ died, He died not only for all the sins we have committed in the past, but for all we ever will commit in the future. We are forgiven for being flawed, and broken, and for having such self-righteous attitudes. In fact, I think that the American church has neutered grace by its theology of redemption. The American church says that in order to be forgiven, we have to say the equivalent of, "I know I did wrong. I'm sorry. Forgive me. I won't do it again." This isn't true. You don't have to apologize. And you will do it again. God knew this when He sent His son. You don't have to apologize and ask for forgiveness, because He has already forgiven you. When you tell God you're sorry, He will ask, "What for, my love? I don't know what you mean." Not only has He forgiven us, but He has truly forgotten what we did to need forgiveness in the first place. My love pales in comparison, but at the same time it is even more precious with the acknowledgment that at it's core, it is Him.

May we never be complete. May we never be perfect. May we never have all the right answers. We don't need to. His love is sufficient.

When I realize the full implications of these epiphanies, I am torn down. The walls of my spirit collapse, and my heart implodes in on itself. I can't breathe. I can only weep with joy, and rest in the arms of my Lover.

Quote of Da Moment:
"For those who feel their lives are a grave disappointment to God, it requires enormous trust and reckless, raging confidence to accept that the love of Christ knows no shadow of alteration or change. When Jesus said, 'Come to me, all you who labor and are heavy burdened,' He assumed we would grow weary, discouraged and disheartened along the way. These words are a touching testimony to the genuine humanness of Jesus. He had no romantic notion of the cost of discipleship. He knew that following Him was as unsentimental as duty, as demanding as love. He knew that physical pain, the loss of loved ones, failure, loneliness, rejection, abandonment, and betrayal would sap our spirits; that the day would come when faith would no longer offer any drive, reassurance, or comfort; that prayer would lack any sense of reality or progress; that we would echo the cry of Teresa of Avila: 'Lord, if this is the way you treat your friends, no wonder you have so few!'"
--Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel

If God is our model for perfect love, what does that imply about love? Are such implications well-founded and worth pursuing?

Discuss.

Recent personal issues have prevented me from carrying out my plan to top last year's April Fools joke. It's been in the back of my head for the whole year, and now I don't get to do it! Agh!

It's the small things in life that are the most annoying.

Anyways, happy April Fools Day, everyone. Go play a practical joke on someone for me.