Ramblings of a Constipated Mind

I'm in Beijing, and the Internet is finally up and running! Woohoo!

Things are going well so far. Unfortunately, I can't post about them here because China's Internet filters are preventing me from viewing anyone's blogs, including my own. It's letting me use Blogger to post, but the site is in Chinese, and I can't see this once I post it. I wonder if this is just a widespread ban for all Blogger sites, or just the ones I normally visit (perhaps due to religious content?). Either way, it doesn't look like I won't be blogging for the next 4 months, at least not here.

However, I am going to set up an email group of people who would like to stay updated with my life and what's going on here in China. There will probably be 2 groups: one for updates specifically about my time in China, and another for my thoughts about life and random things in general. If you would like to be updated, send me an email (arjcandyman@gmail.com) and let me know what updates you'd like, or both. It won't be as easy to post pictures, but I should at least be able to send them as attachments. It's not as convenient as Blogger, but it's at least something. Feel free to send me any other ideas.

This will be my last post here for a few months. Here's hoping it gets out there.

Yup.

The following is an important announcement:

After months of careful thought, analysis and self-examination, I am leaving my current faith in order to begin a new one. Sort of. I have grown to realize that I can no longer follow the same God as the majority of my Christian family and friends. This is due mainly to the fact that, frankly, I am sick and tired of all the hypocrisy being thrown around. These individuals shouldn't be faulted too much for this (with the possible exception of one, who I thought would know better), since nobody is a perfect Christian and since I myself am no better.

It's time for me to change, and to stop being a member of this club of posers. These past few months have taught me more than ever that true faith is not one of beliefs and of words, but of action. I have been in the middle of a spiritual crisis that left me very confused about the nature of God and my relationship with Him. This is due largely in part to the actions of a person I had grown to tremendously admire in terms of their commitment to Christ. The problem wasn't so much the actions themselves as it was the manner in which they were conducted, and how it was implied they were supported by no one less than God Almighty Himself. As a result, I was left to conclude that God is a sadist, an adulterer, and a divider. Granted, this was undoubtedly not the intention of the person involved, but hey, things like this are never intended. It's just one of the side effects that results from not thinking through the implications of one's actions very carefully (a problem we probably all can relate to).

The bottom line: That isn't how I want to be and how I want to people to view my God. With the exception of one person, all of the Christians I know very well have disappointed me at one time or another. I gave my body, mind and heart to someone who acted in the wrong way for the right reasons, and I got spiritually burned as a result. Lesson learned: no matter how well you think you know someone and how much you think they are trustworthy, they can still surprise you, and ideas and words have no credibility unless backed up by action.

And after all these events, and all of these emotions, and all of these thoughts, there is only one main thing I am feeling: exhaustion. I am very, very, very tired. Physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually I am fed up with life and ready for a fresh start. If actions are evidence of faith, then I can no longer follow the Christianity that I see around me, for the God if this religion simply isn't worth following.

I refuse to serve a God of legalism.
I refuse to serve a God that delights in suffering.
I refuse to serve a God that demands sacrificing relationships with people in order to fully follow Him. Jesus said we must love Him more than anyone else and be willing to leave our loved ones, not that we must push them away.
I refuse to serve a God that supports conflict and division between brothers and sisters in Christ.
I refuse to serve a God who says it is better to ignore and run away from problems than to confront them.
I refuse to serve a God who does big things at the expense of small people.
I refuse to serve a God who tries to build community by cutting off any and all kind of relationship between individuals.
I refuse to serve a God who constructs walls instead of tearing them down.
I refuse to serve a God for whom the end justifies the means.

That isn't the biblical Christ as I understand Him, and that isn't a God that I can support. So it is time to step up to the plate and attempt the impossible: it is time to live like Christ. I can't control the actions of anyone but myself, so it's time to make sure they match up with the kind of faith that I want to have. It's time to treat the world in a way different from how I have been treated by fellow Christians.

I know that this is going to be very difficult, and so I have the following prayer requests:

1) Pray that I will use my time abroad to truly find myself and grow to understand my place in God's plan.
2) Pray that I will love the Lord more every single day.
3) Pray that I will grow to have true agape for everyone around me, no matter how they may have wronged me.
4) Pray that I will find the faith of my father, and be a blessing rather than a curse.
5) Pray that I will have the strength to take risks and trust even when times are dark.
6) Pray that I will love with open arms as He first loved me, and that my actions will be consistent with this love.

One of the main reasons the word "Christian" has so many negative connotations is because of the failure of Christians to practice what they preach. I am the worst hypocrite of them all, and it is time for that to change. I am losing my religion, and gaining a new (and hopefully better) one. Or rather, I am turning my back on the Christianity I have become disillusioned with and attempting to come to a better understanding of what it really means to be a follower of Christ. It doesn't mean to be like the people around me. It means to actually walk with Him and love everyone, even the people I'd rather not be around. Perhaps especially those people.

It is a new day. It's time for a new God, and a new faith. One worth practicing.

Quote of Da Moment:
“The single greatest cause of atheism in the world today is Christians, who acknowledge Jesus with their lips, and then walk out the door, and deny Him by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable."
--Brennan Manning

Back from a second summer of selling books. Wow. I made it through again. For that alone, I am officially awesome.

You ever feel like there's way too many things you've learned, way too many thoughts going around in your brain? That's how I feel right now. Too much stuff. I need a filing cabinet for my head.

Examples of things learned:

1) People are stupid, ignorant, proud, untrustworthy, uncivilized and on the whole just plain bad. Thankfully, there are a few good ones here and there that go against the mold. It's interesting - after last summer, I would have said the exact opposite.

2) Attitude is everything. Unfortunately, learning how to control it is easier said than done.

3) You can't escape life's problems. They will follow you no matter where you go.

4) Queen is the greatest band ever. "I Want To Break Free" and "The Show Must Go On" effectively summarize my summer.

There was a lot of other stuff learned as well, but those are the things that have been on my mind most recently. Spiritually speaking, overall this summer was a better for me than last summer, but it's still a mixed bag, due partially to the subconscious effects of last semester. It's interesting how God can simultaneously be your best friend and worst enemy at the same time, and how one person's step towards growth can be another's shove backwards if handled improperly.

It was a tough summer, but it was also a good one. A lot of people don't really understand that the job actually can be a whole lot of fun, if you make it that way. I probably have better stories than all of the other people I know combined. It's also worth it just for the people you meet (the good ones, anyway). I have people whose names I still remember, who left a lasting impression on me. This really is the best job at teaching you the kind of person you want to be, as a father and a husband and just in general. You can't take that away.

One of these days I'll have to share some of the experiences I've had on "the bookfield." But not tonight. It's time for some well-deserved sleep.